since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
