i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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