I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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