At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
