Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
