Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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