you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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