I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just had sex on a roof
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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