Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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