I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
