Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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