is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
