some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
