I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize