Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
