if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
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