I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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