I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
