You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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