he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
