go do what you do best...puke behind churches
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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