I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
