How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am naked and annoyed.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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