i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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