Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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