The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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