Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
