Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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