she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
