Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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