i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
