I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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