U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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