If that was your dad, he is hot
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
