Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
