remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
