Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
