i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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