I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
