I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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