after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
