i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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