Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
