I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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