dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
