There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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