what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
