I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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