I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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