I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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