Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
