i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am one with the molecules
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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