I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
