I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
