I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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