i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
