i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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