So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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