Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
