So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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