We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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