cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dick very happy bro
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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