so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
