my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if i died would you start the facebook group?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
