I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
