Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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